WWJD--What Would Jamie Do? Part 1
10:36 Jun 24 2005
Times Read: 848
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Sara and I had wanted to go do something fun. It was a beautiful, warm, sunny, early spring day and we just wanted to be out of the house. That was the time of the year I lived for. I still do. Being 17, the first priority was to find someone to buy us liquor. I called my older friend, Marcus. He obliged me with a bottle of Jack Daniels; a large bottle of Jack Daniels. *closing eyes* I can still smell it...ahh...still feel that familiar burn on the trip down the esophagus. *smile*
*smile* Sara and I were best of friends. I had few female friends. It is still that way. She was so sweet and we had so much fun. We could be found cruising downtown, music blaring (I distinctly remember Aldo Nova, "Fantasy" and Van Halen, 5150 cassette), six point beer hidden from sight. Remember how you used to sneak a swig? *smile* I could fake sobriety better than Sara, so I always ended up driving after a few cold ones. I loved it, as I had no car. And I loved driving her baby blue Ford Mustang. I was in charge of keeping the shit together. I was in charge of finding the keys after she'd lost them.
I loved her. I envied the way she could open herself up, and people would respond with sensitivity. It seemed, with me, when I opened up, people would take advantage or hurt my tender heart. I built my walls strong. Still, I would chance being vulnerable occasionally. Sometimes it worked out. Sometimes it did not, being more vulnerable than I would admit. I miss her so much. She lives in Wichita now. We promised to get together sometime soon. It's hard....I hate the phone, she doesn't get online, where I live.
We decided to pick up Cindy on the way out of town, to a local, smaller town, called Cherryvale. *deep breath* Ah, Cindy...*smile, changing to forlorn, vacant stare*
Cindy was our third wheel girl. She was sweet, two years younger, and could never get things right. She was a Scorpio, and I knew she had intense emotions, but could not show them, or express them as she wanted, so they festered. She could not sustain a healthy relationship, though she desperately wanted one. Guys used her and tossed her aside. We all know that feeling.
She was lonely inside. I knew this. But wanting to belong somewhere, anywhere, she was quite bubbly and easy going, despite the inner turmoil.
Cindy's parents were fanatical Christians. They were constantly pounding Orthodox religion into her fragile psyche. She tried to comply, but she was also trying to find her own path, and that was of the mystical. She came to me for that. Sara was Christian. I was the mystical one. I started her in Astrology, and the Ouija board. She loved it all.
We lost contact with Cindy, when Sara and I both moved away, although in different directions. There were a few letters, a few phone calls, rare visits. One day we heard that Cindy had hung herself off of a bridge right outside her parent's house, from an overpass. It was heartbreaking...but I felt it served her parents for not listening to her, for pushing her into a life she could not tolerate, for not even wanting to know the person she was. At the funeral, Sara and I spoke of how we wished we could have saved her. But, it's all Karma, and is the way it is supposed to be.
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~Vou Merde~ (formally, I met an Asshole)
09:36 Jun 10 2005
Times Read: 903
Last week I decided to go to the park, alone, and take a walk. I had gotten my icee for the late afternoon, and was in the mood for movement, not going home and sitting in front of the pc yet. It was so pretty outside anyway. Blue sky, warm, but not hot. Finally, some warm weather. I was so tired of being cold all the time. I don't know why I am. It's miserable.
But not this day! Spring was in full swing, and I was taking it all in.
There is a small body of water at this park, complete with ducks, a few geese, a fountain in the middle, and a small waterfall, off to the side. There are small wooden docks, located sporadically, throughout the sides of the water, to stand on, and get a closer gander of the lil ducks. Can you imagine how full the ducks are on the weekends? *laughing* I imagine them to have full tummies by Sunday night, so much so, that they can hardly move! But during the week, starving! I bet they cannot wait for the weekend either. "Everybody's working for the weekend...♪ ♪".
I made a full loop around the water, and ended up at the waterfall, my favorite spot in the park. I do like the bridge across (troubled?) the water, and the docks (where the sailors come in?), but it's a nice little area, where they have made the waterfall. There are flowers around it, water plants, and rock, stacked for cascading coolness.
I jumped up on the wall of the waterfall, like in the picture on my profile page, as a matter of fact.
A group of foreign girls came over, but didn't speak to me. I mention the foreign fact, only because for some reason, the foreigners here, don't speak to the rest of us. I think that's rude and odd (especially in an English speaking country. Well, it used to be). I only hear foreign language from them. But I smile at the girls and they climb around me awhile, letting the kids climb around awhile, and then leave. For the record, part of me comes from Spain (which half, I do not know). Sure, I'm a mutt. Who isn't? *smile* Spain/Sweden/American Indian.
Across the water, I see a group of teenage kids going to the edge of their side of the water, and sitting, standing, running around. That's when I spied the little ducklings swimming around with their mother. How cute! They were so tiny. I was hoping the kids wouldn't mess with the lil ones. Not that they could reach them physcially, but could throw things at them, as kids so often do. Now before you get pissed at me, you be honest, and admit it....think about some shitty things you've done before to a weaker one. You know what I mean. Write me if you are free from naughtiness. *laughing*
Suddenly one of the boys starts chasing a little white duck, until it either jumps in the water, or flys off. He did this several times, and the ducks had limps. They were wounded, from other malicious inbreeds no doubt. I was enraged. I watched for a bit, and hoped the degenerate would grow weary of being a prick, and move on, but alas, he did not. So finally, I got up and walked across the bridge and waited at the end of it, watching the little ducklings for a bit...waiting for the kids to get up. I wasn't going to go to their lair, but equal ground. When they got close enough, I told that imp, quite viciously, "You'd better stop chasing those ducks!! Or it will make you an asshole!!". He smiled at first, when I started it out, but then you could tell, he was asking himself, "Did she just call me an asshole?", as he was walking away to his friends ahead of him. So, he left. I was so glad, I stood there and they were right behind me, talking in hushed whisper, "What did she say? Whatev...". Yea, right, whatever. Since they were still in the area, I stood there for at least an hour, waiting to make sure they weren't going to retaliate towards the ducks. It had occured to me, that because of their numbers, I too could be a victim. Still, I stood my ground, in open defiance to thier numbers.
In the meantime, while I'm waiting on them to leave, a man walks by, I smile, and of course, he stops to chat. He is rather disheveled, not GQ, not Rico Suave...I would say, typical Okie. I was not born here, so I am not an Okie.
People have a way of telling me their whole life stories, as soon as I smile and say hello. He starts out telling me about his mother in the nursing home, and his ex wife, and how he has found a girlfriend, but he doesn't know if it will work out. I tell him about the kid that was threatening the ducks. It was then that a small child is running toward us, chasing one of the ducks, herself, and her father, and small sister, following, wearing overalls and carrying his fishing pole, bucket. I said loudly as they passed, "If the KIDS WOULD STOP CHASING THE DUCKS!...". They moved on. No more duck chasing. That's when Mr. Okie told me he doesn't get to go hunting or fishing anymore....He kept talking, but I didn't hear anything after 'hunting'. Ok, asshole, move on...
The parents of the kids came back, in their VAN, and whisked them away to "Let's make some more-ville", and left. One remained...the ass. But he was alone, and sitting on a swing. He had nobody to show off for, any longer, so I was feeling confident enough to leave. I was able to do so without detection, so he would still wonder where that crazy chick is.
I thought about it, as I always do. I put myself in his place, thinking that maybe, inside, he felt sad that his spring day was tarnished by being called an asshole. I mean, he knew he had been. And then I think, "Well, he was a turd, and should be laying in the yard, or on the bottom of a shoe.".
I don't go around calling people assholes, that often. Oh, well, ok, I sometimes do. Like that time we drove by the anti-choicers as they formed a line of fellow religious finatics along the road. But that was more like, "FUCK YOU!!!", as we drove by. I suppose I am the fighter for the underdog. This is the same person, that goes to great lengths to save tiny bugs trapped in a drop of water, on the sink, or a moth, trapped in the house. The one that tried to save a mouse from the beak of a crow. One that will carry ladybugs to safety from being stepped on, warn others that they are about to step on Fred, my new beetle friend. Remember, though, that I am very, seriously afraid of bigger bugs. I detest roaches, June bugs, creepy crawlys, spiders, snakes (I know, not bugs.), praying mantis (no, it's not because they are praying), etc. .
But I also can't have them in the house, and apologize inside, when I have to take their life. Have been known to cry when the mouse trap snaps. I say, though, if it must be done, make it quick. No torture.
I'm not perfect. I used to spank rolly pollies. *laughing*....I used to hate cats. I had that book, "101 Uses for a dead cat". Funny book, btw. My ex husband juggled one once. Not me! I can't juggle.
I used to dress my dogs up, complete with underwear. Madeline, our Scorpio Cocker Spaniel, would run around the yard, with a ball of shit in them, trying to escape the madness, I subjected her to. That wasn't spite, though, that was pure love for the dog, actually. I also had a pair of angel wings on her. Sorta fits now, since she has passed on.
Even today, I put hats on my hamsters. But it's so damn cute.
So, back to the kid. I guess the point of it all, is, that if you are an asshole, admit it, apologize and move on. And if you are one around me, don't be surprised if I call you on it....and most likely post it for public viewing. No, wait, another thing...don't chase the ducks.
Murdering Crows
02:47 Jun 03 2005
Times Read: 924
Crows suck. I was outside, saying goodbye to a friend, enjoying the beautiful day, this late afternoon. There are many, big ominous looking clouds in the sky, threatening severe weather. It was pretty hot, so the breeze and clouds, gave refuge from the humidity. After the friend left, D and I were standing in the yard, joking around, when I heard a familiar "scream". It was a mouse! Looking across the street, to the field, I saw a murder of crows, a cottontail bunny and a stray white cat, all running and chaos ensuing. I knew that a mouse was in the middle of it all, and was in trouble. So I ran across the street yelling, but it was too late....the crow flew off, with my unfortunate fuzzy friend in it's mouth. *sigh*
I walked around the freshly cut field for awhile, looking up and watching the clouds roll by. It felt so nice outside. I was wondering about the continuity of life, and thinking, yet again, of my own mortality. Of course, with my 36th birthday rolling round in mere days, mortality has reared it's ugly head quite recently.
I was sad about the mouse, and it's horrible way of leaving this world. How horrible that would be, to die, by being ripped apart, alone, with no chance of rescue! How gripped with fear it must have been, in it's last final moments. Much like livestock is, when they are killed. Their last moments on Earth, are filled with terror, confusion, innocence still lingering. If you think about it, and believe as I do about energy created and never being destroyed, you will realize, that the meat you/we are eating, is filled with this horrible energy. Interesting view huh?
Ah, I understand...It's hard to think about that. It's hard to even want to understand and empathize with the animals sacrificing themselves for us. It fills us with guilt! And we would have to own up to it and be responsible, and do something about it. Most people are not that brave...or too lazy.
Back to the main topic....I continued thinking, in the car, on the way to Wal-Mart, about one of the reasons I don't want to die, is because I would miss out on alot of shit! I mean, I think about everything I would miss, almost on a daily basis, and am thankful for this body, my mind, my heart everything, and everyone around me. But think of all that is to come. Ugh, it makes me angry. *laughing*....I hate being left out of things. I hate missing out. I suppose I will have to linger around, and haunt my old haunts. *smile*
Well, most likely not really. I have learned/heard that after we leave here, we are ok with it, and move on, past our earthly ties/concerns. That could be depending on the circumstances in which we passed over.
Do you think that we would care about life, if we were immortal? Do you think that life is fun, joyous, painful, adventurous, thrilling, etc., because we are going to die? If we were not going to die, there is no risk. Without risk, there is no elation when we achieve our goals...if we set goals. Of course, risk comes in many forms, from bungee jumping, to opening one's heart to another. This is life....
It's a celebration, bitches....
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